The Good Daughter
For those who try too hard to be the vicarious champions of others' failed dreams...
"I cannot be her any longer" I told Father Mike. "The pressure of being her has taken it's toll on my happiness-" "How can you say you are not happy doing the things that are worthy of His grace?!" "Those things I 'bartered' for with my good works and constant vigilance have eluded me for years now...what am I to think? Am I STILL unworthy of those gifts? Am I asking for something I simply will never attain? I don't believe that! I think I have been too long on others' pedestals and in order to be truly worthy...I have to fall." "Let me see...you believe you have been too 'good'-" "ARROGANT Father; arrogant in my piousness. 'I don't do this...I don't do that'...'I would NEVER do that!' That is how I have lived my life." "I have never sensed that attitude from you in any of the time I have be around you, and heard your confessions!" "But it IS there Father! I feel pity for women whom have children out of wedlock as though I am better than them; not because their lives are harder. That is arrogance-" "So now you want to be one?!" "NO! Now I want to stop 'hiding' from the temptations and sin of my brothers and sisters in Christ-" "But that is it! You are a Cooperator because you chose NOT to hide...to be a part of the ecumenical teachers and membership-" "No Father, I have joined and become a Cooperator in order to gain the equivalent of a scholarship to Heaven...that is not right." Father Mike could not believe that one of his most dedicated and seemingly selfless Cooperators was coming to him telling him she wanted to leave. "Do not let this 'personal lapse' make you feel unworthy. Our Father forgives; He knows your heart-" "Then He knows I am still unrepentant for my ...'personal lapse'; and He knows what I feel I should do." "Maybe He will use me and the others of our ministry to stop you and help you." "Maybe I should just stick to the Education Ministry...maybe I am unworthy..." "The devil is always watchful! He is trying to take you away for something so GREAT-" "Then I will say the prayer of St. Michael each morning along with my Matins to oust him...but for now I will not come to the Recollections any longer." "Where is your fortitude?! Fight him!" I looked at the artist's rendition of our savior on the wall and began to cry. "That is it...let it out...release this hold that evil has upon you..." I turned to Father Mike and said, "I am crying because I feel only He understands what I am going through. YOU chose to never marry...never bare children...I did not. I may find myself to be selfish and foolish tomorrow...months from now...years from now...but He will be there for me, waiting for me to gain common sense again. I believe if this is truly a bad choice and a foolish measure He will protect me from my ignorance." I stood to leave. "I would not being doing my job if I let you go!-"
My family has done the same thing over the years: used guilt and badgering to get me to do what THEY wanted when they wanted...poor Father Mike didn't realize I was an old hat at shrugging off the demands of others now. "I will be leaving Father Mike; I hope I am allowed to keep in touch..."
I have fallen- or rather leapt from the pedestal of perfection I and others have been building for me for years now. My friend Tam-Dara is waiting for the big scream, the tantrum, the tears. You won't see me in the papers because this isn't a big deal...I am simply enjoying myself without the added baggage of worrying what other people might think.
Being the 'good daughter', the 'good sister', the perfect friend, the understanding love interest, the faithful (fill in the blank) and the pillar of piousness are excellent aspirations. However, if you have not done wrong enough times to appreciate doing right...it can be suffocating.
"I cannot be her any longer" I told Father Mike. "The pressure of being her has taken it's toll on my happiness-" "How can you say you are not happy doing the things that are worthy of His grace?!" "Those things I 'bartered' for with my good works and constant vigilance have eluded me for years now...what am I to think? Am I STILL unworthy of those gifts? Am I asking for something I simply will never attain? I don't believe that! I think I have been too long on others' pedestals and in order to be truly worthy...I have to fall." "Let me see...you believe you have been too 'good'-" "ARROGANT Father; arrogant in my piousness. 'I don't do this...I don't do that'...'I would NEVER do that!' That is how I have lived my life." "I have never sensed that attitude from you in any of the time I have be around you, and heard your confessions!" "But it IS there Father! I feel pity for women whom have children out of wedlock as though I am better than them; not because their lives are harder. That is arrogance-" "So now you want to be one?!" "NO! Now I want to stop 'hiding' from the temptations and sin of my brothers and sisters in Christ-" "But that is it! You are a Cooperator because you chose NOT to hide...to be a part of the ecumenical teachers and membership-" "No Father, I have joined and become a Cooperator in order to gain the equivalent of a scholarship to Heaven...that is not right." Father Mike could not believe that one of his most dedicated and seemingly selfless Cooperators was coming to him telling him she wanted to leave. "Do not let this 'personal lapse' make you feel unworthy. Our Father forgives; He knows your heart-" "Then He knows I am still unrepentant for my ...'personal lapse'; and He knows what I feel I should do." "Maybe He will use me and the others of our ministry to stop you and help you." "Maybe I should just stick to the Education Ministry...maybe I am unworthy..." "The devil is always watchful! He is trying to take you away for something so GREAT-" "Then I will say the prayer of St. Michael each morning along with my Matins to oust him...but for now I will not come to the Recollections any longer." "Where is your fortitude?! Fight him!" I looked at the artist's rendition of our savior on the wall and began to cry. "That is it...let it out...release this hold that evil has upon you..." I turned to Father Mike and said, "I am crying because I feel only He understands what I am going through. YOU chose to never marry...never bare children...I did not. I may find myself to be selfish and foolish tomorrow...months from now...years from now...but He will be there for me, waiting for me to gain common sense again. I believe if this is truly a bad choice and a foolish measure He will protect me from my ignorance." I stood to leave. "I would not being doing my job if I let you go!-"
My family has done the same thing over the years: used guilt and badgering to get me to do what THEY wanted when they wanted...poor Father Mike didn't realize I was an old hat at shrugging off the demands of others now. "I will be leaving Father Mike; I hope I am allowed to keep in touch..."
I have fallen- or rather leapt from the pedestal of perfection I and others have been building for me for years now. My friend Tam-Dara is waiting for the big scream, the tantrum, the tears. You won't see me in the papers because this isn't a big deal...I am simply enjoying myself without the added baggage of worrying what other people might think.
Being the 'good daughter', the 'good sister', the perfect friend, the understanding love interest, the faithful (fill in the blank) and the pillar of piousness are excellent aspirations. However, if you have not done wrong enough times to appreciate doing right...it can be suffocating.
Labels: conflicts, lifestyle changes, religion
posted by ScreenGoddessComplex at 11:35 AM
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