Playing Beard, Part Two

This is so lucrative I should rent myself out coast-to-coast!

My mother pouted the entire time I packed. "One WILL come home on weekends then?" "To be sure!" I consoled, then thinking aloud, "If there isn't a soiree of some sort..." Why this temporary relocation should trouble her so much was beyond me! She has been, over the few months I have been down here, simultaneously clingy and unaccomodating. Mixed messages, anyone?

"Well...if there is some hiatus, you WILL tell me your itinerary?-" I swung around as though pulled by an invisible, malevolent force, "Dammit! You've been reading my emails!" My mother is the poster child for overbearing mothers: look this 'personality disorder' up in the DYI DSM-IV-TR and there is a picture of MY mother, lounging on a luxe chaise, clothed in muslin and jewels...with a KA! bracelet cuff linked to several chains. At the end of each chain is a sibling and me; there are surely wild animals about to secure our constant presence. These 'wild things' are the mood fits my mother throws when she is unable to control or hunt down one of her 'cubs'. In the sideline of this entry, there should be a list of the actual psychological disorders that make one an overbearing mother; like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder, to name a few.

Her reading of my emails has not afforded her enough information, as my beau and I are bound by how quickly the homes and condos on my list are sold. Chester has allowed me two weeks off; unfortunately, they cannot begin until I have sold the list. This puts me in a bind for travel arrangements: will I meet him in Toronto; Vancouver; or San Diego? I am hoping stateside, if only for convenience. A friend of mine, Johnny Angel (much prone to exaggeration), related his most recent tale of oppression as a travelling gyspy.

"Yeah so, like, I was trying to get through the immigration in Manitoba,
right?
And this dude was all like, How long are you stayin'? Who's expecting you? We
have to make sure you have a reason to return to the US, because we have a
problem with people coming here to LIVE without the means to live and they
become homeless...It's like, WTF?! I have a trust fund back in the States-
whatchu got for me?!"

Johnny's weird, post-pubescent rant aside, he did speak one truth, it is getting a bit difficult to get into "The Land of Friendly" (as opposed to what they historically have called us "The Land of Plenty"). Within the passed year, I have heard strange tales from those whom fly, drive and ride into Canadian provinces and even stranger questions. Could this be a backlash from all those anti-Bush deserters over the past eight years? Some CLAIMED they would return since Obama was elected, but knowing what I know about Canada...it is not necessary to return. That country is beautiful! The first time I visited I wondered what made my grandfather leave; being one of eight children might have spurned him on. Yet and still, to avoid any dirty looks or raised eyebrows to the reason for my visit ("I plan on meeting my middle-aged boyfriend in a hotel and spending two weeks with him..."), I'd rather keep our rendez-vous stateside.

To be sure, Chester was hurt in that way men are when they don't really want you but like the idea of having you constantly around. He was pouty, then bitchy, then arrogant, and finally relenting. My mother is another matter. After being confronted with her invasion of my privacy, she rolled her eyes, opened the door that adjoins our rooms and slammed it behind her. 'I really have to get a lock on this side of THAT door', I thought. But if my plan is completed in a timely manner, I may never have to worry about that door, or her invading my privacy again. Me and my emails will be inaccessible!


I'm sure there is a movie I can tie into this little drama, but I will be much too busy for the next few weeks to do so. My addendum will come later.