"Names Are Un-Important!"

The next time you act like less money means less work...think again!

I ignore the majority of people I pass on the streets. It is not self-importance...it simply takes someone with 'a flair' to get my notice. I saw a waifish plantinum blonde with a intricately twisted chignon at the nape of her neck that reminded me of raffia weave. She had on a New York-centric ensemble (slate grey besequined gathered tunic with those James Perse wide-legged flannel trousers I think are so cute and a short peacoat from BR), and was obviously in a hurry. One glance at her face dead-on and I knew it was my flat-mate from Coventry. "Jules!" I called out much too unlady-like. She scanned then focused on me and ran toward the intersection I was crossing. "Hey you!" "Hey yewww!" we both giggled, latched arms and began strolling in the direction she'd previously been trotting.

We caught up quickly enough on me, as is always customary in my circle of friends (why do they all think my life is so much more bloody interesting than theirs?), then began on hers. "And now..." she gasped, "I'm a PA." "Public Account?" "Oh M.~! I thought for sure YOU would know what that acronym stands for-" "Personal Assistant?" I said hesitantly. "YES! Cool beans huh?" "Only if they are cool beings..." I countered with an eyebrow raised. "She's cool: her husband has too much money; her kids have nannies and she needs companionship." Jules assured me. "Still acting as an ambassador of love?" I inquired (a reference to her batting and pitching). "Not with my boss!" Jules blushed.

I once acted as a PA for one of my ex-boyfriend's companies. It was a plus idea: have PAs in one of the most exciting cities in the country to supplement for a regular one, substitute for a regular one or act as a hostess to all the glamour and excitement the city has to offer. Pros and Cons...it was fun. but I would have been happier never meeting two of my clients- ever! Before you go off thinking I was an escort or something understand that men were paired with men and women with women just to keep that sort of thing from besmirching the reputation of the company (all though there is no accounting for taste).

Everytime I watch "The Devil Wears Prada" (2006) I am reminded of THE WORST client out of the two. The one time I tried to correct her she snapped, "Names are UN-important!". She was a D list actress that was called into town as a last resort for a national charity. Because they were desperate, they treated her like a queen. Unfortunately for me, she did not garner a PA in her lethargic life in LA, so to make up for it, she tried to be as B & B as possible (bitchy and bossy). Which meant more B & B than I could handle (belittling and berating). She refused to call me by any of my nicknames that I found suitable in my lifetime; opting to call me 'Mai Mai'. She used the term "hoochie" to describe every woman she saw with more gold jewelry on than she- from preteens to grandmothers. After half an hour with her I realized why she hadn't done anything since the early nineties. Part of 'selling your talent' in Hollywood has less to do with sex and more to do with people skills than one would imagine. At the end of her stay she called my boss (then boyfriend) and threatened to come back for a longer visit. Jokingly he said, loud enough for me to hear in the chair across from him "Mai Mai will be waiting!"

Her next visit came six months after that. She tried to get me to 'comp' her clothing at a SoBe boutique, latta at Starbucks and (after asking me what my favorite restaurant was) tried to get me to pay for our meals at El Porque. "Gurl it's like a buffet- you got to pay one price! It ain't like it's a real restaurant!" "Hmm..." I moaned as I thought 'but you are still too cheap to pay!', then said, "I really need to check what expenses you arranged with the company so that I will know what we are working with..." "YOU working on gettin' fired! Do you know who I am?!" "Yes ma'am but-" "I said 'do you know who I am?'! I am your boss while we are out here, so pay for my shit!" I was so embarassed; my family were regulars at El Porque. 'Maybe they won't recognize me without my relatives' I tried to comfort myself with the thought. I of course, paid and before getting in the limo called my boss. I told him everything; he laughed but explained that none of us would ever have to be bothered with her again after that day. "Have the driver bring her to the office."

I notified the driver of the new destination and there was my boyfriend sitting outside on his car in the parking lot. Much to my surprise he informed her that she would be charged for all the items she made me pay for and that, due to a scheduling conflict, he would not be able to supply her with a PA for the rest of her stay and she would be refunded. "This shit is bootleg!" she yelled, "I want my money now!" "We do all refunds within ten business days. Enjoy the rest of your stay in Miami!" he said as he gracefully ushered me into his car. "So this how you act? OH! That's yo' bitch, huh?! Well you a cheap mother---r and she is too!" She walked back toward the limo and the driver let her in. As we drove on the expressway, my boyfriend began dialing the limo driver. "Chris? Listen, she is no longer our client so we won't be picking her up ANYMORE, understand?" as he hung up I reminded him, "She could badmouth your business! She claims she knows-" he stopped me with a wave of his finger, "Everyone she knows I know better- names are only names if they're working baby!".



I don't know what planet most people are on, but being any type of assistant is difficult. Always tip your hats to those who chaffeur, cook, clean, counsel and cater to mega-egos and multi-taskers.