When the FIEND is a Friend...

All the movies you see involving faux female friends have 'identity theft' undertones or jealousy motivations....what if there were one that involved escapism?

In case you have just begun reading my blog I'M A HAM! I LOVE attention and sometimes too much of a good thing can lead those of us whom are creative down a naughty path. Up until a few years ago, I used to go to friends' busy parties and change my name and bio with every newbie to the group.
"Hi, I'm Steve..." "Charmed! I'm Bridgitte.." or
"I'm Colin- and you are?" (with a fake Spanish accent) "Hesmeralda!"

I would go on for an hour with this sort of fun until one of my good friends busted me or I got bored and excused myself to laugh in the ladies lounge. My lesson was learned by being stalked by a misguided introvert we will call "Diane".

I met Diane at a New Year's Eve bash in SoBe. We had been doing the tour, so to speak, in order to imbibe the most free spirits before hitting the over-priced club we had tickets to enter. She looked as though someone drug her from the office file room and gave her no time- or choice- to change clothing: a plain dowdy dress; hair pulled back with hair combs on the sides and clear, thick-rimmed glasses. She was drinking a glass of water. I decided to be the most exciting person she'd ever met in order to bring her a tale that would last throughout the coming year!

"Oh! To be back in Hong Kong instead of here in hicksville!" I whined aloud as I plopped down on the couch beside her. "This is my first New Year's stateside since I was fifteen..." I moaned. She seemed unsettled that anyone would be speaking to her. I stuck out my hand..."Chelsea. And you are?" She eyed my hand cautiously then taking it carefully said, "My name is (Diane).."
With everything plucked, sucked (in), bound, buffed and glossed to perfection, I looked every bit of 'Chelsea' the jetsetting, international socialite slumming with an old college-scholarship roomie as a 'remember-when?' favor in her new city of choice. I pointed out my BF K.~ as the poor ex-roommate and spun my tale as far as I could for the next forty-five minutes. Diane was enthralled! She asked to keep in touch and I gave her some BS about 'not being tied down' and meeting everyone in cycles. "We'll meet again, I'm sure..." I said down my nose at her. With a "Ciao" we were off to the club party. Never could one have imagined how impressed Diane was with Chelsea....

My phone rang in my dorm room at midnight while I was studying a week later. "Hello" I answered with a writing pen between my teeth. "Yes may I speak to Chelsea?" "Who?" "Chelsea Bosworth?"; my heart lept in panic. 'Who was this?' 'How did they get this number?' began reeling through my mind. "You have the wrong number" I blurted out and hung up. I had a surreal feeling after that and two days later, while I was juggling groceries at my dorm room door Diane walked up to me. "CHEL-Seeeee! It's me, Diane!" I dropped the milk and the rest of the bags on my foot. "Diane, WHAT are you doing here?" She explained that she asked around the party about me because she thought I was so fabulous and one guy said he used to date my friend K.~'s younger sister; he told her he knew where she could find Trish and in roaming my college campus Diane caught a glimpse of Chelsea walking through the quad and followed me. Can you say....uncomfortable? I explained my ruse away as a nasty habit I picked up in private school when everyone else's lives seemed so amazing and mine so weird that I began making up new personaes just to feel normal. It became a bit of escapism for me as I got older to pass the time when bored.

Diane still stood there, looking wide-eyed and amazed that she had found her precious Chelsea. "Diane, did you hear anything I said?" "Yeah...so wow! Is that a British accent? You can just turn it off and on? Are you putting me on now? Is this your dorm room? Can I come in?" She grabbed a few of my bags and crossed the threshold without awaiting an answer. Diane stayed for four hours just adding to my humiliation at having duped such a wide-eyed novice. "Diane, you know I'm really tired I'm going to take a nap and relax. Thanks for stopping by though, one is quite sorry about it all." She reluctantly left and kept popping up for the next three weeks, whether I was home or not. It unnerved me as well as my roommates. I had a friend-of-a-friend check up on her background.

Diane was the ugly-duckling daughter of a wealthy family from the Carolinas. She'd suffered a nervous breakdown in college and worked as a secretary at her father's friend's company in Miami. Apparently she'd missed out on all that fun college stuff that I was presently experiencing. I tried to incorporate her into my campus life as a true apology for the ruse. This backfired horribly. After her 'commitment' Diane began to believe she was a lesbian and physically attacked one of my friends as she was sunbathing. She had to go. The more I pushed her away, the more aggressive and menacing her demeanor became. A restraining order was obtained and after a month, a final contact from Diane. Her letter stated:

Dear Chelsea,

I know this is not your real name, but you will always be Chelsea to me.
You are that wild, free spirit that I met at that party and had so much
fun with. I love you and feel that if you would just remove the re-
straining order, you and I could be close again. We could maybe go to
France and stroll by the Siene. Or go backpacking across the German
and Austrian countrysides. Your choice! I will give my two-weeks notice
as soon as you give the word.

Love Always,

Diane AKA Lillith